Harry Potter and the Amazing Booty Bashing Buffet
by CaptainErotica
Summary: This is a regular M-rated Harry Potter fanfic, but with mechs and other cool shizzle wizzle... This is a crossover story but there are too many to tag or label so I fitted it under Harry Potter anyway... Be warned before reading definitely mature rating. There are no obvious ships, because as the title suggests, this is one giant booty bashing buffet - DIG IN!
1. An ordinary day at Hogwarts

Harry awoke in the boys' dorm, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes and reaching blindly for the bedside table. He grabbed his glasses and got out of bed, blinking in the early morning sunlight, hoping that today would be interesting in some way or another (Ever since Umbridge had become headmistress, everything was boring). He hastily got dressed and rushed downstairs to see only two other people in the common room – A pair of second year girls were playing the Pokémon TCG, shame that electricity didn't work in Hogwarts, otherwise they could've been on their Gameboys or something.

Harry rushed down the stairs and into the Great Hall, noticing a few early birds sitting at the tables – They were literally birds, no wizards, just owls, sitting there and eating toast and stuff and he noticed Hedwig with a copy of the Daily Prophet in her wings, wearing a pair of reading glasses. One of the owls turned their head and noticed Harry in the doorway before screeching and flying up into the air, followed by all the others, trying to act like normal owls again. Besides some of the slower owls making their escape out of the windows, the Hall was empty, so Harry tried to forget what he had seen and enjoy some breakfast.

He sat down at the Ravenclaw table (What a rebel!) and grabbed a piece of toast from one of the nearby platters. Now normally, toast was something that Harry would eat and not think much of it, but there was something about this exact piece of toast that made Harry feel pleasured in ways that he had never experienced. He took another bite which sent chills to every finger and toe tip in his body and he began to feel his magic wand shaking in his pocket (If you know what I mean) This toast was perfect in every way, its shape, colour, size and overall, its beauty... Would it be possible for toast to steal somebody's virginity? It certainly felt possible to Harry, but just before he released his glory juice, a very familiar voice spoke to him from the teachers' table, "Mr. Potter!" and Harry turned to see Dumbledore, sitting in a chair at the table, dressed as a giant owl.

Harry withheld a laugh at the sight before him and asked "Professor, why are you dressed as an owl?" to which Dumbledore replied "Umbridge took over earlier than it says that she does in the actual canon storyline, I know that because I have the book right here," he said, holding up a copy of 'Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix', "that putrid bitch... Anyway, the only way that I can stay here now is by disguising as an owl, you're the first one to see through it. Anyway, I get to hear everything that the winged fellows gossip about in the morning. Ahem, well, moving on, I see that you're enjoying that toast..."

"Very much so, sir." he replied, "I fear that if I take another bite, I will not be able to hold it in any longer and will ejaculate faster than Ron did when Cho Chang forgot to wear clothes that time."

"I see." said the wise, old owl-man before announcing, "Well, I really wanted to say one thing – Soon enough, Voldy should be trying to invade the castle, so I need you to gather a group of people to fight him off-"

"Like a street gang?" asked Harry, cutting in.

"Well y-yes I suppose so."

"Woot! Harry's awesome street gang!" the boy cheered and he then became oblivious to everything that the old man had to say as he was writing the lyrics to his gang's theme song.

Dumbledore finished everything that he had to talk about and considering that he was dressed as a giant owl, flying out of the window was the most logical thing to do, and he then continued to do so...

Caught up in being a lyricist, Harry neglected his final bit of toast and it was about an hour before anybody else of importance to this part of the story entered the Great Hall, but Ron and Hermione waltzed in to greet their friend. Ron began by asking "Harry why are you sitting on the Ravenclaw table?" and the answer from Harry was simply "Because I can." before he continued writing. Hermione then questioned "What's that you're writing?" leaning in to have a closer look, "STAY BACK FOUL DEMON!" Harry screeched, pimp handing Hermione in the stomach so hard that she puked out a few vital organs and the writer continued as though nothing had happened. Hermione was hungry now as she often is immediately after puking and she noticed the toast sitting next to Harry.

Had Hermione known how orgasm inducing the toast was, she may have stopped to think about her decision before eating it. The moment she swallowed it, she felt herself fall into a world of lust and horniness that was so extreme that she collapsed onto the floor, releasing a sea of her juices into the Hall which literally ripped off her panties with the force and speed that they exited her tuna taco at. This was made even worse as recent strange lunar activity meant that tidal waves were to be a commodity in the area, so you can only imagine the terror brought on by 50-foot-high walls of pussy juice sweeping through the room. Sadly, Ron decided that he wasn't good at swimming and he drowned doing what he loved, swallowing Hermione's inner fluids... Luckily for him though, he just respawned in the last bed that he'd slept in which happened to be Neville Longbottom's – Ron dared Neville that he couldn't spend a whole night on the roof of the castle.

The doors to the Hall were opened and the mess removed, leaving Hermione lying on the floor half-naked, Harry sitting in the exact same position, continuing to write on his what-was-now-soggy paper and everyone else who had gotten caught up in the incident, spread out in corners of the room – One lucky Hufflepuff first-year managed to make off with Hermione's knickers in all of the confusion. To think that one piece of freakin' toast could be so chaotic... Hermione got up, blushing, all eyes (except for Harry's) were on her as she walked out of the room, going off to get changed and knowing that she would now, forever be called a slut (Not much of a change there then).

Harry looked at his work, it was probably the best piece of poop that he'd ever wroted in forever, and it went like this:

The Potter street gang song, by Harry:

Harry is the man who has the plan, he is the best guy in the world.

When shit goes down against Voldemort, his ideas will come unfurled.

He'll start a gang up with his friends, and they'll all be awesome and cool.

There'll be car chases and sexy babes, but first they'll buy a swimming pool.

In short... HE'S HARRY!

He was so pleased with himself that he decided that he didn't want to be an Auror anymore, he would write new songs for Bustin Jieber when he grew up and gain worldwide fame, but that would have to wait. First thing though, Harry needed to get people to join his club, and who better to ask than Cedric Diggor- wait... he died... Maybe Draco Malfoy? Nah, too snooty, only poor, penniless bastards could join this club, exactly the type of person that Ron Weasley was.

Ron ran down the stairs and into the Hall to meet up with Harry, who was eager to get Ron into his gang, so he asked, "Hey Ronald, I'm starting a club, are you in?"

"Hmm..." began the ginger, "That depends, what do I get for it?" Harry hadn't thought about his club to this level, how could he be so stupid? People only join a club if they get something from it... or if forced to do so, so Harry simply answered "Well you don't have a choice anyway, I already wrote your name down on the members list." as he hastily started to write a members list...

Three quarters of an hour later and the Hall was a bit livelier. Word had spread quickly about Hermione's little leakage with people saying things such as "I heard that there was enough to fill a bazillion cream doughnuts." or "If I'd had my surfboard at the time, I wouldn't have gotten this broken arm." and Hermione's face was so red with embarrassment that if somebody had thrown a tomato at her, it would have made very little visible difference. Ginny tried to cheer her up with encouraging words, "Don't worry Hermione, it happens to every girl at least once. Sometimes I get overwhelmed a bit too much, it's all just a matter of hiding it – Using an example, I got exited just a few minutes ago and hid it in the milk jug." Not strangely, Ginny's comment was followed by a few people vomiting profusely while others began topping up their cereal with extra 'milk'. Hermione tried to find the silver lining in all of this, but it was difficult when everywhere she looked, there was someone staring at her out of disgust or lust, she even found Colin Creevey hiding under the table who stated "Trying to get a picture of the source of the incident." As an added thorn in her side, Harry wouldn't talk to her, he just sat in his place, staring at nothing, dark mist emanating from him and his eyes glowing red – That toast was his and Hermione had eaten it.

Ron however, didn't seem effected by Hermione's accident, he just continued eating his toast, despite it only being mediocre in quality. Since he was the only one who hadn't changed his opinion on her, she thought it best to strike up a conversation with him, "So, Ron,"

"Yeah?" he remarked, looking at her.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"What're you doing after lessons?"

"Neville wanted to show me something that he found yesterday when he went on one of his weekly walks to random places, he said that it looked really cool." Ron droned on for quite a bit but Hermione's thoughts were elsewhere, 'I think it would be best if I tried to get away for a bit today, after what happened.' and she interrupted Ron by asking "May I come too?"

Ron looked at her blankly and she awaited his response, little did she know that he was secretly imagining what it would be like to have sex with her if she was covered in custard and then his mouth suddenly started working again, "Well, I, er, you'd have to ask Neville I think..."

"Okay, I will." she said, ending the conversation. She was about to get up and search for Mr. Longbottom, but Umbridge suddenly stood up - she had an announcement to make;

"Good morning everybody, I hope you're enjoying your year at Hogwarts so far, I would just like to bring a very serious issue to everyone's attention... I have heard rumours of girls going into the boys' toilets at nights and setting up services of some kind. Apparently, boys are paying the girls to give them something called a 'blowjob'." Ginny shifted uneasily in her seat. "I don't know what one of these is, but I can only imagine that it is something very dangerous and probably illegal. If a girl is caught handing out blowjobs, she will be expelled immediately! Thank you." She sat down, not noticing all of the sniggering around her and since the speech was over, Hermione ran off to find Neville.


	2. Giant, magical, horny robots

The day couldn't have gone any longer for Hermione, but she was glad when all of her lessons were finished and she could finally meet up with Ron and Neville in the courtyard. Neville first asked "Will you two promise to keep this a secret?" To which they both replied "Yes." and he then took out a piece of paper with some strange crayon markings on it, "This is a map I drew," Neville began and he traced the route with his finger as he said "we take a walk past the Quidditch stadium, through this little forest and then follow this stream until we meet the waterfall. Got it?" Ron and Hermione looked at him unsure, "Is this safe?" Hermione asked.

"Of course." was his blunt reply before he walked off, leaving them to run after him...

They went past the Quidditch stadium where Ginny was sucking off another customer, through a small forest and then met up with a stream, just like Neville had said. Hermione was slightly unsure about how far they were straying from the castle, constantly asking things such as "How long will we be?" or "Are we allowed to be this far away?" but Ron didn't have the answers, and Neville had chosen to ignore her. It wasn't long before they reached the waterfall that Neville had spoken of and Hermione and Ron were simply awestruck as they stared down into a giant crater that must've been at least a mile in diameter.

Neville turned to them and announced "Here we are. I saw something down there yesterday, you can see it if you look closely enough." and he pointed into the deepest and most central part of the crater where it seemed that there was a lake with a small island on the middle. On the island, Ron could just see what seemed to be a large clump of some kind of metal and he decided "It would be best if we could go down there and see it up close."

"We can." answered Neville, pointing out an obvious dirt road that lead round the inside of the crater to the bottom.

"That's convenient." spoke Hermione and they set off along the road.

Along the way, they became awfully hungry, but to their luck, Gordon Ramsay had set up a restaurant along the path which (unsurprisingly) was quite empty. They had a great meal, Ron eating fish and chips, Hermione getting tomato soup and Neville having pancakes... Unfortunately, Gordon wasn't accepting wizard currency, so the three of them had to work in Gordon's kitchen to pay off their debts. During their time there, Hermione accidentally spilled many strange looking liquids on her, unfortunately for Ron though, none of these liquids were custard. After a while though Gordon came in and announced that they had all done a great job and that they could leave immediately, and they did so with much gusto...

To make up for lost time, they had to run to the bottom of the crater and then swiftly walk to the lake in the centre where they stood, questioning how they were going to get through, but it seemed that their only choice was swimming across, so they jumped into the somewhat mild temperature water and swam. It took a while, but they made it to the centre, just to notice a bridge on the other side of the lake.

It was a lot easier to see now, what had appeared to be a large clump of metal, now looked like a giant metal hand, reaching out of the ground. Neville was scared, Ron was confused, but Hermione was intrigued and fascinated, so many questions were swirling around in her head and she walked around the back of it to examine it from a different angle.

On the back, she noticed something strange, a small little computer screen with a message blinking on it. She called round Ron and Neville, "Guys, over here." and Ron, noticing the screen, read out the message, "Current power-level: 0.001%. To recharge fully, the sexual act of a four-way must take place in the nearby area for a full five minutes straight..."

The three of them looked at each other, Hermione asking, "Do we even want to recharge this thing? We have no idea what it is or what it does."

"Of course." stated Ron, "We may have come across one of the most important discoveries of all time, we need to know what it is." but he just wanted sex really.

"I agree." said Neville.

"Fine," sighed Hermione "but if it's a four-way, we need four members, there are only three of us here."

"Not to worry." cheered Neville, and he reached into his pocket and pulled out Trevor. Hermione suddenly looked really uncomfortable, stating, "I'm not too sure about fucking a frog."

"Toad." Ron corrected.

"Don't worry." Neville said, smiling, "I believe that I have come up with a solution that we'd all be happy with: If I get on all fours, Ron can get behind me and butt-fuck my ass until it's red as Mario's cap, I can lick Hermione's pussy and also fuck Trevor's ass too." Hermione and Ron were slightly disturbed at how eager Neville looked after explaining his plan to them and Ron began telling them his plan, "Or, maybe Hermione could bend over and Neville can fuck her in the vagina. Whilst he does this, he can shove Trevor up her ass and push him in and out and I can get a blowjob."

"From me?" asked Neville.

"No, from Hermione." explained Ron and Neville looked slightly disappointed...

Neville wasn't sure that he wanted sex with Hermione, she was just a friend, so he readied himself with mental images of Luna Lovegood. Hermione, however, had other worries, what would Trevor do in her ass and what would they use for lube? What if Trevor climbed so far in that he got stuck so that whenever Hermione wanted anal sex, she'd have to tell her partner that they'd be having sex with a toad at the same time? She was however, being stupid, Trevor was too big to fit in her ass completely and he was slimy as well – Slime is a good lube right? Ron though, he was telling Hermione that she'd have to strip down naked and his defence on this point was "What if your robes get in the way and we stop halfway through? We'd have to start all over again." and since Hermione was only wearing robes, if she took them off, she'd be naked anyway. Ron's idea was nothing to do with the small possibility of stopping partway through, he just wanted to see her tits.

And they were all ready, ready as they'd ever be at least, Hermione, bent over, presenting her round cheeks to Neville and Trevor and her mouth was wide open, ready for Ron. The ginger's penis was first in her, she gladly sucked on his dick as it was likely the only bit that she'd enjoy and Neville closed his eyes and thought of Luna as he pushed his almighty meat stick into Hermione's veggie garden. And then came the toad; Neville, eyes still closed, found Hermione's ass hole and quickly pushed the toad in – Hermione would've screamed, but she was currently feasting on a rod of sugar, spice and everything nice.

About a minute and a half in, both boys were feeling close to their limit and Ron asked Neville "What do we do when we cum?" to which the reply from Neville was "Keep going." and then Hermione's mouth was filled the manliest of fluids which she was forced to swallow while continuing to suck. And then, Neville released his juices, but little did Hermione know that her pussy was not filled with Neville's semen, but with urine as he pissed himself in fear of getting her pregnant and they continued. Hermione had mixed feelings about what was happening, she was enjoying it immensely and also loathing every second of it, but she was definitely going to need to wash her anus when she got back to Hogwarts, probably by persuading someone to help make a dildo from a bar of soap and then shoving it in her crack. Suddenly, a new sensation entered her ass as she was sure that Trevor had started licking her hole.

Five minutes had passed as the girl fell to the floor, urine escaping her vagina and semen dripping out of her mouth but at least it was over. The giant metal hand's digits (fingers) started moving and it picked the four of them up as an arm emerged from the ground, followed by a body, legs and a head.

It was an enormous metal man holding the four of them in the air and he looked at them, announcing in a metallic voice "Thank you wizards and toad, my name is Joffrey. I crashed here on Earth a long time ago, using up almost all of my power to maximise my defence systems so that I wasn't completely destroyed on impact." Ron didn't hear a word of what the robot had said as his face was buried deep within Hermione's Juicy Joy-Joys. Neville asked "Joffrey, how did you draw power from us fucking Hermione?"

"Well, my people and I enjoy having sex and also watching others go at it with each other too. Our masters created us for war, but we became self-aware and turned the planet into an erotic-robotic breeding ground. When anything gets us warm inside, it heats up our engines and gets us ready for action... Does that explain it?"

"Makes sense." Neville said bluntly, "We need to go back to school now but we can't have you come with us. Do you want to hide somewhere and we'll come back tomorrow?"

"Better yet," Joffrey started, "I'll cast an invisibility spell and disappear from site."

"Wait..." Hermione began, "You can cast spells?"

"Of course." he replied, "The chapter isn't called 'Giant, MAGICAL, horny robots' for nothing." and he lay them down on the island whilst saying "Cheerio. Meet you tomorrow." and he disappeared.

Despite them not being pushed together in his hand anymore, Ron still had his face between Hermione's melons. Neville asked "Can he breathe?" to which Hermione answered "Yeah, he just likes my boobs I guess."

Back at the castle, Harry had cheered up a bit and Ron, Hermione and Neville had gone off somewhere. Ginny said she was tending to some 'important business' so he thought that it might be a good idea to get his very first Pokémon... Yep, you heard me, Pokémon. But where would he get one? He had no money to buy a Pokéball from Crabbe and Goyle's secret black market, but luckily, rumour was that Professor Rowan was coming in later to do a talk... Maybe he'd have a few spare balls knocking about...

7:00pm and the Great Hall had barely 20 or so people in to hear the Professor's speech. Mr. Rowan walked in with his bag in one hand and his sack in the other (Innuendo intendo). Three people immediately left at the sight of his big German sausage (They were obviously vegetarians) and he stuffed both his lunch and his penis back into his pants before stating "I have come here to teach you all how to catch a Pokémon. Now everyone grab one Pokéball and then we'll start." He upturned the bag and red, white and black objects fell onto the floor.

"Wait," began one Gryffindor second year girl – Harry recognised her as one of the girls playing the TCG that he saw earlier – "if these are electrical, how do they work at Hogwarts?"

"Well, Dumbledore visited me recently and imbued them all with a power that allowed them to work within the school grounds, now quit asking questions and I'll continue... Anyway, all you do is throw the Pokéball at what you want to catch and it becomes yours. Now, if we're all ready, RELEASE THE BEATS!" he yelled and a number of Igglybuffs, a Teddiursa, a Ponyta and a Metapod fell down from a hatch in the ceiling.


End file.
